Joy

I am content.  I am well.  I am at peace.

I don’t have the words to describe the joy that has come into my heart and my life recently.  I feel incredible warmth from my toes to the top of my head.  There is a gentle humming that runs from my heart to my brain.  There is equanimity in my body.  I am very well.

I did not know this feeling existed.  The only other time I remember feeling this way was when I was 4 years old.  I have these soft recollections of lying on a bed, drifting in and out of sleep, smelling the Fried Chicken my grandmother was making in the other room–so safe, so warm, so content.

Moments of bliss–I wouldn’t call it happiness.  It’s sweeter than happiness–it’s joy.

I feel held in God’s embrace.  I know that I am worthy because I am a child of God–and for no other reason.

I don’t worry that the feeling will pass.  I know it will.  But it will return again and again.  I know how to call it forward.  I take care of my body.  I eat whole foods.  I make a contribution in the world.  I try my best not to be an asshole.  I pray.  I meditate.

Never Been Better

Just when I think my life can’t get any better, it gets better again.  I just attended my first official Bikram yoga class.  It was 90 minutes at 105 degrees, 50% humidity and a total of 26 postures.  I can’t remember feeling more rejuvenated after a yoga class.

Yoga has made such a difference in my life and my recovery.

But more than that… I am experiencing more joy than I ever have.  I find myself smiling for no reason.  I like being with friends but I also like being home alone–to hear the silence and wrap myself inside it.  Silence is a beautiful thing.  I notice my brain is not whirling… it’s humming… or perhaps even purring.

This recovery thing… this yoga thing… this new life… it’s so much more than I could have imagined.  I am very grateful tonight.  And although I am alone… I don’t feel lonely.  I have finally begun to enjoy my own company.

Exciting Days

I’m still in Cedar Key and today is New Year’s Eve.  Tomorrow I leave to go back to Minnesota.  The sun is shining outside and I feel full of things to write, but I have no idea what is going to bubble to the surface.  These are exciting days because I’m finally on a spiritual path that feeds me.  I think I am finally feeling what people talk about when they say God consciousness.  But it’s not like I expected.  I don’t feel more spiritual.  I just feel more human.  How can I put this?  I think we have ‘ports of entry’ (for lack of a better expression) all over our bodies–places where we can connect with the world.  Mine have been blocked for quite some time and they are just now beginning to open.  These are exciting days.

One of the frustrations that I have had in the past year is really putting words to the things that I have been experiencing.  So, I haven’t been writing much.  There truly are things beyond the realm of expression.  Still, I think I would like to continue to try.

I have so much hope today.  I was at a meeting a few days ago to receive my 2 year sobriety key tag.  I sat and listened to these incredible people share stories of despair, followed by faith, followed by more despair, followed by more faith.  I heard the story of a woman who had 16 years clean and then one evening decided to go out and have a beer at a company party.  On her way home, she saw the familiar blue lights in her rear-view mirror.  She panicked and accelerated, weaving in and out of traffic to escape the police officer.  The office finally caught up with her, and thinking she might be a danger to him, shot her in the left hip–nearly killing her.  All of this on the evening of her first drink in 16 years.

It’s been 6 months since the shooting and now she’s being charged with attempted murder–the cop alleges that she was going to harm him.  But I digress.  This woman did not strike me as someone who had 6 months of sobriety.  She was radiant.  She filled everyone in the room with hope.  Her words were like hearing a beautiful paraphrase of the serenity prayer.  People don’t start over when they relapse.  God picks them up where they left off.  I love this–nothing goes to waste.  The Creator can work all things out for Good.  The Creator just needs a little bit of our cooperation.

That’s all I wanted to share for now.  I’m a little distracted now.  This is  my view from the front of the Delaino house.