Dark Hours

“It’s always dark before the dawn.”  “Behind every cloud there’s a silver lining.”  Our society has its own ways of dealing with darkness, pain, suffering, disappointment and loss.  As individuals, most of us learn to weather the storms of life or if we don’t, we experience a loss that so devastates our foundations that we vow to rebuild and learn from our mistakes.  Still, others never make it out alive.

Today I learned of yet another young man, in the gay recovery community here in Minneapolis, who died unexpectantly.  The authorities believe he died on Tuesday of last week but his body was not found until Friday.  An autopsy is being performed to ascertain the exact cause of death.

I saw my therapist today and we talked about this being the third individual within my gay recovery circle that took his life or died unexpectedly–surrounding a suspicion of drug abuse or abject loneliness. 

My heart is really heavy today while I consider the hopelessness that my friends and brothers face in the here and now.  I pray for my brothers and sisters in the recovery community that amid the difficult circumstances of life, mounting depression and feelings of alienation that they face, they will know the Grace that is possible if we have faith–in ourselves and each other. 

Some of my friends have difficulty believing that God, or a Higher Power, is there for them.  I think we all can understand that feeling–when we see tragedy, disease, war, greed, poverty, injustice and prejudice.  But my experience–no matter how far down the scale I went–proved out that God was there working through others to reach me when He or She could not. 

I do not purport to know what another person has gone through or is going through.  But I can’t help but feeling that there must be more that I/we can do to help one another.  As I look at each of these deaths I realize there is a common denominator:  isolation and loneliness.  A friend once told me that he believed his addiction wanted to get him alone and kill him. 

There was, in fact, a specific day during my using when I realized this was true for me also.  That day I was having a panic attack and asked someone to take me to the emergency room.  The realization of how terminal my addiction could be was a terrifying one.

I don’t think I have any nice and tidy bows to wrap this entry up in.  I just have lots of questions.  But I do know that whether I like it or not–I am my brother’s keeper.  Now THAT is a sobering thought.