My Deepest Fear

In this time of increasing uncertainty in our financial markets, I am reminded of the famous words by FDR, uttered during the Great Depression:  “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” 

... and that has made all the difference

For the past few weeks I seem to be encountering “fear itself” at every turn.  It’s fear of self, to turn the phrase a bit, that has the power to stump me.  I look in the mirror and ask myself, “what are you afraid of?”  I fear stepping out, going out on a limb, loving passionately, living authentically, taking a leap of faith. 

I don’t consider myself a person filled with fear.  As a young man, I left my sweet home–South Carolina–seeking great adventures in China and ended up living there for 9 years.  Later, I moved to Manhattan, New York, to pursue a dream of studying acting in the Big Apple. 

I considered these things personal challenges, but they came with their fair share of risks.  When all was said and done, some of those risks proved to be dangerous and self-destructive.  But strangely enough, I do not regret a single roadside attraction on the way to the here and now.

Hindsight has illustrated that it wasn’t that my choices were wrong but rather that I felt there was something wrong with me.  I was running from something.  I wasn’t running from a situation, a person, a god, a group or a way of thinking.  I was running from a restlessness–one that came from deep inside of me.  I think of the ancient proverb which states, “wherever you go, there you are.”

So, here I am.  It’s taken me 38 years to understand that everything I need to work with is here–inside of me.  I am now much more aware that my happiness and success in life is fundamentally an “inside job.”  I have played the victim, the saboteur, played the player and played the fool.  I have been a religious zealot, an apathetic generation x’er, a corporate climber, a junkie and college dropout.  I suppose you could say that I was searching for something all along–only to find that what I was searching for was right here. 

So, here I am.  I have a little over 10 months sober and in many ways I am finding I have never lived at all–at least not in my own skin, coping with my own emotions, opening up to the world and living in the moment. 

I have begun to dream again–about doing things I have always wanted to do.  And slowly but surely I am beginning to act on those dreams.  I will confess to you that fear is still present.  It took me many years to develop sophisticated ways to sabotage my progress and stymie my personal growth; it may take some time to embrace the possibilities that are possible when I feel the fear and do it anyway. 

On Monday I auditioned for a professional actor’s class at the Guthrie Theater led by a prominent actor here in the twin cities.  I am so happy to report that I have been accepted into the class and I will begin training in January. 

Last week, with the encouragment of my great friend Thomas Rud, I enrolled to attend and participate in the Landmark Forum–a 3-day workshop/program designed to generate possibilities for one’s life, community, relationships and work. 

The time is now and there’s no time for looking back.  As my dear friend and wonderful director, Jessica Lefkow, used to prod me, “This (life) is not a dress rehearsal!”

I want to leave you with a quotation from one of my favorite authors, Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?”  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. 

We were born to manifest the glory that is within us.  And as we let our light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  (Note:  This quotation is often incorrectly credited to Nelson Mandela who used the quote in his 1994 Inaugural Address)

"Our deepest fear . . . is that we are powerful beyond measure."