It’s been too long since I’ve written. There is so much to share—not sure where to begin. Life is good. I have felt happier over the last 2 months than I did the previous 6 combined. What accounts for this change? Who knows? Here are a few factors that play into it:
- I’m now working with others in the NA & AA programs.
- I’ve been meeting with my sponsor nearly every week for the past 10 months. There is no way to put a value on my relationship with him. I know quite literally that he was directly placed in my life by God.
- I have consistently gone to therapy—always turning up something new to consider. The outcome is that I am able to “objectify” my life just a little bit more—rather than wallowing in the thick and goopy stuff of subjectivity.
- I pray daily—morning and evening. Of course, I was also doing this before, but these days I don’t feel like I’m standing up on the inside
- I am enjoying the company of someone special to me and learning to let go of what I cannot control—mainly him!
- I am finding surprises in life just by not expecting what I’ve always gotten.
- I started a great new job and I’m settling in well.
- My psych meds are actually working for me now.
- I am seeing myself in the people I am working with. This is helping me appreciate the road I’ve traveled and feel ever more grateful.
- I speak to myself a little more gently than I used to.
- Each day my world opens up just a little bit more to the possibilities of my life.
- I can express how I am really feeling without feeling that the emotion could destroy me or the person with whom I’m talking.
- I ask questions at work—even when I’m afraid of looking stupid.
- I try to open my heart a little more each day. This means…
- Looking for the good in people
- Looking for the good in God…. This may sound strange, but I struggle with whether or not God has my best interests at heart. Fundamentalism taught me a lot of knowledge about God but not a whole lot about how God loves me personally—without any caveats or loopholes.
- Looking for the good in me. I’m a good person. I forget.
- I try to see the world from a different perspective each day. The way I see the world has been conditioned over time and reinforced in a million ways. Today, I found some reading material in the bathroom at work—sports! I read the first page and tried to imagine what it would be like to have a brain that enjoyed such things. Someone, somewhere (probably in the Cube across from me) is really passionate about sports. I find this very odd. That person might also have kids. How would this change my view of the world? Or Diabetes? Or Alien Hand Syndrome? Or Micropsia? How far down the rabbit hole do you want to go?
Anyway, I’m thankful to be alive and in reasonably good health, to have my friends, my sanity, hope, a little more faith and a lot more peace. I have a feeling I will be writing a lot more over the coming months. Again, thanks for listening.
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