Present Self

I think today has been one of the best days I have had since I got sober a year and three months ago.  What was good about it?  I feel a presence with me today, perhaps it is my inner self or perhaps it is the presence of God.  I’m not sure what it is but I can describe it to you.  It’s compassionate.  It says:

Everything is going to be okay.  You can stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It has dropped.  You can let down your guard a little more.  You can begin now to enjoy your life–truly enjoy each moment.  I know it’s scary to step into the unknown, which is the present, but it’s all you ever had or will have.  Those disturbing thoughts you used to have–many of them have floated upward into the ether.  The ones that remain–you can sit with those–they will not harm you.  I am with you.  I am the strength you have come to rely on–I am the living hope inside of you–I am the rock, the resting place, the haven in the storm, the beloved.  Place your confidence in me.  Discard your doubt like you take out the trash.  Nothing can now separate you from me. 

I say:  Never let me go.  I can breathe.  A burden has been lifted.  I am safe.  I am whole.  Thank you.  Shackles have fallen at my feet.  I did not know the degree to which I had suffered.  There was never anything repugnant about me.  The way I saw myself–that was the problem.  You never judged me–though I judged myself.  You never punished me–though I caused myself great suffering.  You walked beside me without forcing my hand or bending my will.  You let me touch the stove.  You let me walk in traffic.  The hell that I lived in was self-created.  The suffering animal chose the weaponry, the time, the place.  But you were there.  I thought you were unkind–how could you allow this?  Didn’t you love me?  Didn’t you see just how far I had fallen?  Wasn’t there something you could do to rescue me?  You insisted on my cooperation.  God helps those who help themselves.  You would not take me captive–my choices, my decisions, my life.  You could bend the rules for me.  You could place an angel in my path to see.  You could stand watch over my bed at night.  You could console and minister.  But you would not play God with me.  My consciousness, my choices and actions were my sovereign gifts.  Playing God is not within your nature.

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