I feel like writing today. Everyone keeps bringing this up—write! You like to write! Why don’t you write more! I’ve wondered the same thing a lot recently. Why have I not been writing more? What am I afraid of? Hmmm… that’s a very interesting question. It’s funny that fear just popped right out of that third sentence. My subconscious mind was waiting to spring that on me. I’m afraid of writing. That’s a new one. I was never afraid of writing before—what changed? I can think of a few things:
1) I have had “deep and effectual spiritual experiences” which I fear I cannot describe. I could certainly try to describe them but I fear my language ability will fall short.
2) I (my ego) want(s) to impress you with my knowledge and wisdom.
3) I (my ego) am/is afraid you will not understand or that you will judge me, criticize or hurt me.
4) I (my ego) am/is afraid I don’t have anything to say which hasn’t already been said.
These are all the reasons why I don’t open up and create my greatest joy—sharing my heart with yours. The thought I have right now is why not write for my own pleasure? Why do I need to write for you? Valid question and some would conclude that it’s only necessary for me to write to myself in order to feel heard. I disagree at this moment because I feel the need to be heard. I need you to hear me so that I will know I am understood. But isn’t this just ego all over again… I don’t know. It feels like there is something beyond ego that is calling to me… write, explore, write, read, write, explore.
I think what I’m really afraid of is really opening up because when I truly open myself and let the words flow freely, you will see me as I truly am. And I’m still afraid you will call me selfish, unaware and unenlightened. It is only in opening up my self completely that I can fully experience who and what I am. I cannot do this in a vacuum. I cannot do this alone. I cannot do this without you.
